Legendary change wizard Milton Erickson’s reply to this question was unequivocal:
“Yes, I choose my words very carefully, and I suggest you do the same. Because the words you say will influence your clients today, and twenty years from today.”
I loved sharing this story with my students as I taught them about the power of language. But there was an ambiguity at its heart that had slipped my notice.
Most people aren’t aware of the power of language. They take it at face value, not realising the degree to which language constructs and constrains what they think and perceive.
The experienced coach knows language is important, and acts accordingly. They ask powerful questions, and use words that point their client in the direction of creativity, possibility and insight.
“Choose your words carefully.”
I was sitting in a state of deep meditation when I heard the words resound through me, as though someone was whispering in my ear with utter certainty.
Whenever I’d told the Erickson story, I’d used the word “carefully” in the sense of “cautiously and with precision”, but suddenly I heard a different meaning in the word…
Care. Fully.
Ensure your words are full of care.
The message of the story changed for me in an instant. Suddenly it had a depth of richness and meaning that would guide me going forward.
The message of the story changed for me in an instant. Suddenly it had a depth of richness and meaning that would guide me going forward.
The change wizard speaks from the truth of who they really are. They imbue their words with the love and connection at the heart of their being; a fullness of care for the person they’re talking to.
You can think of this as the experience of connection. As I wrote in the second edition of my book CLARITY (© Jamie Smart 2023):
The experience of connection is incredibly valuable. In addition to the fact that it’s natural and feels good, connection opens up a conduit for effective communication. When another person feels connected to you, they’re much more likely to see where you’re coming from, hear what you have to say, feel well understood and be impacted by what you’re sharing with them.
Connection, intimacy and love are what’s already there
for us when there’s nothing else in the way. . .
So what gets in the way? Habitual patterns of contaminated thinking.
The change wizard is a master of connection. They ensure their words are filled with love, compassion and care. They speak from behind the clouds of contamination to the wisdom and intelligence at their client’s core.
Q: Speaking to you as a coach, do you resonate with this?
It’s the latest chapter of my book CHANGE WIZARD, so I’d love to know how it lands for you. Let me know in the comments and have a beautiful day.
Thanks & big love
Jamie
Q: Speaking to you as a coach, do you resonate with this?
It’s the latest chapter of my book CHANGE WIZARD, so I’d love to know how it lands for you. Let me know in the comments and have a beautiful day.
Thanks & big love
Jamie
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Comments
Thanks, Jamie! I think it’s a wonderful insight. Initially, it felt it was a “brain” quote, where you can agonize over the perfect adjective choice. Your shift in awareness speaks to heart language, which needs no editing or over-thinking! THANK YOU! I have a feeling that you jumped a level of consciousness, leapfrogging over your dear mentor! 🙂 Love and gratitude vibes coming your way!
Yes, definitely resonates.
That is just brilliant and you exactly describe the experience of reading words you have read a certain way a hundred times but unaccountable magic happens and one day you read the self same words a different way and its as if a door opens into another world.
I’m old enough to remember the kids TV series where Mr Benn would visit a shop where you could try on clothes and in the changing room there was indeed a door which led through into a different world where having put on the new clothes adventures would await and then at the end of the story the clothes were returned to the shopkeeper and Mr Benn walked out into the street forever changed but appearing exactly the same.
This makes a lot of sense to me. Using words that let your client know that you care(fully) embues the session with love, trust and connection. However, as I am reading the chapter I feel like I have one more thing to remember to do during a coaching session. To chose my words carefully. So far I have relied 100% on the wisdom that comes from the core of my being to give me the words that are appropriate for the client.